Usual story today. I caught the bus from my auntie's house in Hammersmith (the 211 for all you bus bods) and the thing set off. Now, yesterday I had what can only be described as a hostile encounter with a bus driver and of course in true tradition of having bad luck, when I saw who was driving- it was the same flipping man!!!

So, relax I thought and don't break his knee caps just yet. So the bus set off. Everything was fine, but then the psychopathic fella decided he was going too slow and sped up. He must have gone from 20-80 in a second because I nearly got lifted off my feet and thrown to the back. I was flipping mad! The driver oblivious to my near fatal experience then slowed down and stopped at a zebra crossing. He got off and did a switch with someone else. The next bloke who took over the bus looked like a cross between a guinea pig and a jewish market trader. He then took the bus onwards to Waterloo where I caught the train.

On the train, I found a copy of London Lite or as it's commonly known- 'the most boring newspaper sold in the ghetto'. I also tucked into my BigMac which was about as big as a chocolate button. After about twenty seconds, a begger got on and tried the old 'i only have what i'm wearing now and i need money for new clothes and food'. Well, that's fine but don't get on my pissing train and start waving your arms (or what's left of them) around, shouting abuse at me because you cant afford to pay the rent on the cardboard box outside Mothercare!

Anyway, the begger soon pissed off and I got off at Vauxhall. So far the rest of the day has been alright- a big improvement on last night...

I was on the 156 (gangster!) and sat at the back (hard gangster!) eating some KFC, (hard fat gangster!). The bus was bombing along the street then some stupid dog in her Vauxhall Astra (CHIPPED PAINT VERSION!) pulls out in front and holds us up for about 5 minutes. The silly cow just didn't move. Personally I would have just rammed the car off the bloody road and decapitated her ugly head in the process but this country believes in ''human rights'' so you cant do that. This woman is obviously from the generation of drivers who shit themselves when they've got to use the accelerator and shudder at the thought of having to use what tiny grey matter they've got wedged in their heads and also develop a bloody rash when faced with... a map!

ANYONE who cant even reverse a car should be clamped. That's right not their car. No, THEY should be clamped and see how they like having a five tonne piece of metal locking their legs together. They should also be publicly oranged! (Basically this means enough oranges should be thrown at them until they require hospital treatment).

Now, onto tv!

Don't get me started...

Lesson leaned today:
Clamp women drivers

Today is actually better than yesterday- which is something. Luckily for Royal Mail's legal department, I did not see my postman today otherwise, well..

But the commute to school was mental again. I got slagged off by a bus driver who could quite literally audition for a circus act because I decided to not go upstairs to sit alongside a load of sexually starved old women. When I went up there it looked more like Mecca bloody bingo that the top deck of the 156 so I walked back down. Then the driver decided to accelerate around the roundabout, ensuring that I nearly fell down a flight of stairs, luckily that didn't happen and the man still retains his knee caps, but, I sat thinking can this driver actually drive. I came to the conclusion that he couldn't.

I always thought that BUS drivers kind of had to have some experience of actually driving a bus! It's evident that about 90% of London bus drivers lack any ability to steer or even touch their usually obese foot onto the accelerator. But hey, maybe there is a place in this world for bus drivers who can't drive a bus. Well yes, there is a place for them- it's called intensive care and that's normally where most of them end up after veering their double decker off the road and tumbling down an embankment.

Unfortunately this type of accident is frequent on the M4- usually with national express coaches so for 9 months of the year the old bill are bagging and tagging passenger's torsos.

Moan over now, but hear from me tomorrow don't worry!

Lesson learned today:
Bus drivers are freaks

So last night I stayed in. Big mistake! BIG MISTAKE!

It was a usual Monday night as far as the tv schedule was concerned- being as there was absolutely bugger all on; apart from Celebrity Big Brother- but then the idea of watching Jade Goody and her fat whale-lips slurping over and over, churning out the biggest load of crap you've ever heard, is quite a turn-off. But hey, i thought, there's always radio- isn't there?

Well, yes there is- if you enjoy listening to 85 year old men who have been shoved into care homes by their families moaning on about how their tesco bags split when they piss into them and banging on about how rude the youth of today are- or demented psychopaths- usually living in Croydon who phone up once every ten minutes to ask for the time. This isn't my idea of GOOD RADIO!! No, no!

Good radio is 'Iain Lee' on LBC 97.3 or Clive Bull not some fat bloke who looks more like an articulated lorry dribbling his crap all over the microphone- and then playing some song that makes your hi-fi explode with rage. Some stations such as (I'm disguising the name here) 'SportTalk' should realise that not everyone who decides to defect from tv to radio actually wants to talk about traffic violations all the time. Then some presenters don't even talk at all- they just murmur to their producer every ten seconds to ask for a biscuit or a cup of coffee. This is so irritating- especially if the presenter does overnight and your radio deliberately wont tune into any other station.

The worst radio stations are the ones that cant even take calls due to budget cuts- instead they get some lard ass fella to take his volks-wagon around town while he shouts through a megaphone and records everyone's views on a live dictaphone. Legislation was brought in last year to ban fat people from being able to work on radio- as when they turn around they knock over the bloody desk.

Back in 1996, a woman called Susan Moslimin sued Graham Hedge for knocking her unconscious when he went to tie his shoe laces. Hedge was around 20 stone at the time so the accident was really inevitable- considering the woman was only as tall as his left knee cap.

TV's also crap though- such as Celibrity Big Brother in which the only highlight of the show was Ken Russell's snoring.

The tv producers should DITCH reality tv and make more proper shows. Reality tv is NOT real. I mean the only way Celebrity Big Brother was real was in the way they showed Ken Russell to be- which was fat and full up- especially after he made the other servant housemates make his breakfast early. Just because he's old doesn't mean he has any more rights than the rest. In fact because he is elderly he should probably have less rights and should be strapped to a chair and force-fed by a badger. Other housemates such as Goody and Jermaine Jackson should be wrapped in Cling Film and tormented by dwarfs.

Anyway tv or radio- definately neither!

Lesson of the day:
Get out more!

Unbelievable, that's all i can say about the 9th of January. So far i have had a really BAD day. Then for me, that's pretty usual. It all started at about 6.59 this morning when i was walking out of the door and said 'good morning' to the sh*thouse in the royal mail uniform (postman) and he blanked me then threw the mail through the letter box with an angry fist. Of course i understand they have a hard job- i mean delivering letters is a dangerous job isn't it? Well, no, actually it's not. It's not as though they're constantly at risk of being kidnapped or bundled into a Ford Transit is it? They just stroll down the street, throw the mail, walk off and get paid a lot of money.

I soon got over this hostile encounter with an employee of Her Majesty's Postmen and set off for school. On the way, I have to take a train but of course knowing my luck, they were none, or none with any seats that is. The train company (i will not not name it!) seems to be oblivious to the fact that standing up is annoying. And it really takes the piss when you have to stand next to a man who resembles a tank, is about 30 stone and stinks of chip fat. Then of course he reads doesn't he, oh yes he does. He waves the paper in the face to the point where it knocks you over. Or if he's wearing a backpack, he turns around and ensures half the passengers on board are knocked out cold. And to top it all, he was American. Now I've got no problem with Americans, don't get me wrong they do their bit; well, their bit to pollute the whole planet and ensure we all don't see our 28th birthday. (American swines!)

Americans are typical of people who oblivious to what others think about them, and go round thinking they're so high and mighty. Well, hate to break it to you Americans, but you're not!! That's right, you're not! You're just like the rest of us, (on second thoughts) you're not because you are inbred and live in stupid houses with stupid names like Wallnut Hill House or Fountain Mews and put those stupid signs on your garden gate that warn us to watch out for your dogs!

Anyway, back to my day, which is now getting better as I write this blog. After my incident with the postman, being knocked out by a fat American, I got off the train, still angry at being pushed half way down the carriage by someone's stomach, and decided to get something to eat. Yeah, why not I thought. But little did i know that the 'Snack bar' on the platform doesn't sell 'snacks'. I know, you work it out. I was gutted and bloody hungry so I walked down to the Colonel (KFC to those without intelligence) and had a Mini Fillet. Not bad for 99p but rubbish when there's no chicken it!!! I thought Kentucky Fried CHICKEN sold CHICKEN in their stores, obviously I'm wrong. Really i should have them in court for breach of contract but I did get a replacement after i moaned about it and i got a second for free due to the distress they caused me first time round.

After Kentucky Lied About Chicken i got on the bus. This was a double decker so i thought i'd go to the top and sit at the back (like a gangster would, right?) Well, no because real gangsters don't sit at the back of the 156 and scratch the windows to shit, they go popping each other in the head with guns and having each others mums. That's what gangsters do!

Gangsters in America (yep, back to Fat Town) live in houses made of marshmallows and drink herbal tea. I know, it's a strange world! They also make love to swans and shoot illegal immigrants. Foxes reign sumpreme with some rumoured to speak Dutch after 10pm and all women under 29 stone are labelled Anorexic!

Men in America are told to lick grass and some of the elderly eat ferilised soil for fun. Diseases are rife with 1 in 2 Americans suffering from 'Arrogantitus'.

Anyway my day has been crap, but i'll leave it there for now!

Lesson learned today:
All fat people should be sentenced to liposuction!